performance art

i want to be a part of something like this.
this is such great art...

B is for BEER!
Yuk! If you think the Black Hole is bad,
you should try it with baby ferrets hanging by,
their teeth from the skin of your testicles. That’s
how I felt when I learned that our personal
relationship has become public soap opera,
a low budget interview with Barbara Streisand,
and a sport on the order of flagpole sitting and
phone-booth snuffing. Babe, it appears that you
and I are no longer sucking the same orange.
romance is not a bandwagon to be jumped on
by lost souls with nothing more interesting to
ride. I thought you’d learned by now that “ro-
mantic movement” is a contradiction in terms
and that, if prompted, society is all to eager to
turn the deepest, most authentic human expe-
riences into yet another shallow fad. You
prompted. I guess you can take the girl out of
the movement, but you can’t take the move-
ment out of the girl. Even in solitary, you
couldn’t curb your herding instincts. Leave it
to a naïve world-saver like you to view our
love as a Sacred Cause when in actual fact all
it was was some barking at the moon.
- Tom Robbins

blah emotions blah

i am an ever expanding human being. i want to go to iceland be lost in the fucking moment be lost in sensations. we are bringing the magic. we bring the magic with each moment we experience. it is all encompasing.
i am in love, i am in love with men, i am in love with women. i want to feel alive, i want to go on adventures. see new things, meet new beautiful people
i want to fall in love in a moment again

late night thinking

a year ago i was at home from ballet school, not knowing what i wanted to DO or how i wanted to be. i spent the summer staying up all night watching david lynch films, drinking busch light and smoking american spirit cigarettes. i swam in the glory hole every day with my mother and sisters. i learned how to cut down trees with my stepfather. it was a weird time for me.

you know those moments that make your whole being seem to ache? maybe it's part of being young. those nights where you did stupid things with your friends and ended up having a connection with someone or some place and it resonates so strongly within  yourself that you want to scream and cry and laugh at the same time.
i rarely have those moments anymore.

instead of those short sporatic highly intense moments, its more spread out. as if it were a blanket instea of a jolt. the blanket comforts me and wraps me up in the knowing.
in the knowing. in the knowing of how infinite everything is. in the knowing of how utterly perfect and wonderful the world is.

why do i only feel content when i know i'm headed towards something?
i'm not living in a foreign country anymore. i'm no longer part of the elite ballet dancer mentality. i don't spend thousands and thousands of my grandmother's money on tuition and airfare to go home for christmas. anymore.
now i live in a house with three other college students. i go to a smaller university where i study modern dance. every now and then i enjoy a tasty $5 burrito from taco del sol. i'm not doing anything big and grand. i'm just living.
i dont know why it feels so strange and good to say that but i am. i'm just living right now. nothing more nothing less. i just am right now. i feel so content with that even if most days i pretend i'm not content.


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